well, today was more of a “i don’t know what i want to do with my life” kind of day.. considering my best friend carlos was heading to another party and my plans were to go to my cousins party, and that i did. my ex-boyfriend, who slammed the door on me two days ago, told me to come to his bbq.. which was a little odd because i don’t know how you go from slamming the door on someone to letting someone into your door.. but ok. any who, i didn’t end up going because my friends told me he invited some next girl who he was into.. so i might as well let him be happy with his life. i got back home not too long ago, and it’s currently 2:12am.. from my cousins bbq. i ended up taking like 11 shots and did a shotgun with total strangers who i believe are my friends now, lol. well.. it was fun i guess.. i mean, i did get home pretty late.. that’s about all. i don’t want to spoil any secrets or anything, but yeah.. had a blast at my cousins house. lets just say, i remember everything and the drinks were awesome. i fucking love love now!
after the whole ordeal, carlos and i headed to destiny’s to get my head out of the gutter. ordered the most chocolate-filled item, which was a cookies-n-cream cake, with a peach soda with tapioca on the side, can someone say.. delicious?! any who, carlos knows how to make me feel better, and if you think about it, he’s been around since i met my ex-boyfriend. relationships never last and friends are here to stay forever. halfway into my cake, i get a call from my ex-boyfriend’s brother’s ex-girlfriend liliana, and she calls to tell me something blah blah about my ex-boyfriend and how he wanted to call me and talk to me.. and all of a sudden i get a call and it’s my ex-boyfriend. why he called, i could have cared less because he said what he had to say, and everything i had to say i couldn’t and so.. i was not willing to give him the time and day. i mean, why should i give him the chance to apologize for all the shit he said to me forty-ish minutes ago? being the nice girl i am, i told him that i didn’t want to hear him talk because he did too much of that already, and it was time for me to talk. i told him i didn’t want to talk to him because of what he did to me and because i was still way too upset to even have a conversation with him.. he could call me back in two/three days when i feel better. of course, he ends the conversation with “i love you”.. ahaha. i don’t know dudes and dudettes.. i’m not down to deal with his kind and that type of drama. i never wanted to fight in the first place, and only wanted to apologize. i end the conversation and go back to talking to liliana. she told me it’s not a good idea to get back with him and it would be good if we don’t even associate. i think that would be a great idea considering his family hates me, and i don’t want to waste a single breath, let alone spare a second on people who don’t even have the heart to tell me things to my face. again, i let my pride down and actually wanted to apologize.. but you know what.. i tried and made the effort, i did what i could do and if that doesn’t please anyone, too bad. if people throw rocks at me, i’m going to catch them all and build a house with it. at the end of the day, i’m not crying.. i’m actually smiling because i know now that i can move on with my life, knowing i did everything i could do. i didn’t end up finishing my cake though.
today i pulled some strings.. i asked carlos to drive me to my ex-boyfriend’s house. i haven’t seen him since early april. to be honest, i never wanted to go there just be because it is war zone territory, and because i felt that i would be unwelcomed. unwelcomed i was.. considering i was standing outside his door for ten minutes, ringing the door bell to get nothing. i was a little irritated. i see lights on and both cars were home, meaning everyone was home. as i walked back into carlos’ car, my ex-boyfriend then decides to take a peak at the door, and that when i went back with all his belongings, and again i was standing there for another five minutes as i watched shadows go back and forth. he opened the door and just stood there, shaking his head, and i did the same. he didn’t step out, and put the glass door in front of me, as if i was going to attack him.. oh, but assumed i was setting him up. all i wanted to do was talk to his mother and apologize, but that couldn’t happen because i was standing outside, fighting with my ex-boyfriend about a relationship.. maybe. maybe i was fighting for the relationship, but he seemed pretty confident when he said he was happy with his life and everything that has been happening to him. i mean, what guy wouldn’t be happy to have girls around him all the time, and who would be happy to see their ex-girlfriend at their door? bitching and fighting, and very embarrassing. to have someone bitch at you while their entire family is home. my heart broke when i saw his sister come down the stairs.. she looked and me and went off. i asked if i could talk to her, but he said no.. and so i cried. at that point, there wasn’t really a point of me standing there anymore.. time flew by and i realized i’ve been standing there for over thirty minutes. i put in so much effort to do all of this, but at the end.. his belongings went on the floor and i left abruptly. why? because he said he loved me. bullshit. when you love someone, you would step outside and hear them out, but you know what sucked the most.. after he said he loved me, he slammed the door. classy. wiped the tears off my face and headed back to the car, and regretted even trying so hard and wasting my time.. yet again. that’s an hour of my life that i will never get back, and i could have used that time to save myself from the embarrassment, fighting and crying. i have nothing to look back at now because if i looked back, it would have seen a closed door, and useless items that were on the floor.. i’m happy i didn’t look back.
if you think telling me how much you love me is going to bring me back, start sucking it. if you start thinking i’m scared and that i need you for a second, your life must be a serious joke.. you must be on a fucking flying giant unicorn if you honestly think i’ll ever get back with you. your cockiness level outweighs any good in you, and that’s the sad part. the funny thing is that you probably think you still have a chance with me.. think twice though. what you’re doing is kinda getting lame.. you know, the part where you ask other girls for advice, including my friends, and you also tell your story before you perform that song you wrote for me.. *yawn* lame act though. since you put our business out there, i guess i’ll tell my side of the story too. i didn’t break up with you because i’m trying to get back with an ex. i didn’t break up with you because i’m not into you. i broke up with you because you’re too much, and you put everything and everyone else before me. you don’t respect me whatsoever and every song you wrote about me is utterly made out of bullshit.
another relationship ends in yet another case of serious emotional abuse, this one was almost life threatening. i was a slave in that relationship, abused for nearly four months. i held back all feelings because i wasn’t even allowed to show them or share them with anyone, i couldn’t even blog.. sad to say. it seemed like my boyfriend at the time didn’t want to hear me, though he always argues that he’s “always down to listen to me and my problems”. i nearly got sucked into all that bullshit, but thank God i was born with a hard head and thick skin. i knew it wasn’t going to end well, considering i was called a “mother fucking bitch”, “fucking cunt” and was told to “fuck off” the second week into the relationship.. my instincts are always right. my abuser was and still is full of himself, and only thinks about himself. he didn’t think of me and what i wanted, ever. he would force “his affection” onto me, and my family to the point that my brother and parents were forced to meet him unexpectedly. the scariest moments were when i asked for a break, now that was some bizarre and weird shit. he would constantly blow up my phone, throw bitch fits and just find ways to contact me. he always got his way, and you know why? he pulled out the guilt trip cards. he would use his best one every time because he knew how much it hurt me to hurt someone i cared for.. this card was called “his mom”. he would use his mom’s sickness as an excuse to talk to me and would often say it’s hurting his family.. so i’d suck it up and apologize, every single time, though i’ve never did anything to hurt anyone intentionally. the sad part about this entire abuse process what that he made me feel guilty. i looked like the bad person, every single time. apparently everything i did affected his life and career.. but when you think about it, i changed the most, just to get praise and approval. it hurts to know that everything i am and everything i was doing wasn’t good enough, and i had to change my ways to fit the needs of others, him. oh.. the worst part is when he gets attention from this all. he uses my friends to talk to me, he uses this situation as a way to get sympathy and pity from others.. especially fans. i look like the bitch because i don’t want to be with him, but he knows the real deal. so i come spilling out all because i’m tired of hiding behind this brick wall, and i want to go back to my castle, where my walls are made out of glass. i’m tired of sugar coating every fucking thing, because really.. i haven’t been this happy in a very long time. i’m not troubled or insecure, i’m tired of the bullshit i have to deal with on the daily basis. i’m sick of hearing that “jenny is going down a dark path due to drugs and shit”. ahaha, before anyone comes to try to help me and save me from me, look at the glass castle, then look into a mirror because YOU are fucking pathetic. go fix yourself, your life and your values before you say anything else about me.. tell your fucking fans to fuck off, and leave me the fuck alone.
i never say or do things just to get people to have sympathy for me.. especially after a break up. people always ask “omg, are you okay?” and i smile and say “yeah, finally!”. most people think i’m hiding away in pain, but no.. I’m actually really happy because i can finally go back to my normal life and revamp my image again. i don’t need anyone’s pity after a break up. i don’t go around telling people how hurt i am, and what i’ve done for my ex because that’s not going to solve anything, and that’s some mad attention whoring. i don’t cry all day because i have things to do with my life and i move the fuck on.
cramming time.. it’m leaving for vacation now. i’m currently skyping with my best friend and it’s nice to see that he’s happy with everything in his life. i love his smile.. i’m going to miss you homie. love you bro. :)
(Source: queeenna)
good afternoon. so yesterday, i spent the entire day with my bestfrien russell. we rolled around in bed, we had real conversations, and just did random things around the house.. like always. today was a sad day because a family pet passes away today, and i wanted to be around the family to comfort russ’ little sister. once she got out of school, russ and i took her to the mall.. got her a one direction cd and come ice-cream. we met up with our friends and we just had random conversations. what killed me today was seeing my friend’s little baby girl deep throat a water bottle and leaving behind saliva, i mean, she’s only four months old and her teeth are growing in. hmm.. we headed back to russ’ house and there he surprised me with a new pandora charm! cute shit. i’ve always wanted the swarovski crystal loubies, so russ got me the little pump pandora dangle for my bracelet. it’s a goodbye present for my vacation, but yeah.. thought it was super cute! went home.. yeah dee dah. i might have work today, but if not.. i will start packing for vacation!!
i’m getting very anxious.. i really want to leave.. like, right now. i want to fully express myself, once and for all because if i don’t do it now, i can’t ever in the future. i’m not going to be that girl that sits around, waiting all day for a phone call or text, i’ve did that before. i’m not going to just excuse the fact that the guy i like is always surrounded by girls when he’s at the club.. what the fuck? you must be kidding me if you think i’m going to let an on-screen kiss slide.. oh fuck that! who do you think i am? i’m like britney spears, when she was dating justin timberlake. britney freaked when she saw him kissing another girl, for a music video.. yeah, that’s me.. freaking the fuck out because i wasn’t even there to see it. urg.. gorilla hammer hammer fish sticks on this bitch.
(Source: queeenna)
the thought of another girl being around the guy i like, makes me cringe. most of the time, i stand there.. to just watch the two talk, it’s so awkward. i feel like all of the attention i got has been given away to the next girl and i no longer existed. what makes me feel like complete shit? hmm.. knowing that this girl is way hotter than me.. lol. insecurities spill out, and jealousy is stamped on my forehead.. at least i can admit it. i’m uncomfortable with those thoughts….. as i stand there smirking at the guy i like.. you fucking asshole…. “we’re just friends”.. you sure about that? for a second, i could have sworn you guys were practically word-fucking each other with your deep conversation about whatever the fuck you two were talking about…ahahahhaa, laughing in sync.. that fucking bitch…….. i’m pretty sure you’d fuck her in the ass and all that crap if i wasn’t around you.. urg.. mother f..u..c……….. k.
i miss you and i want you back.. those are the words i will and want to conclude with. though it doesn’t end there because, well.. there is no relief. every waking moment, i’m thinking about you.. i can’t deny it. sometimes i wonder if we made the right decision.. you know.. ending things because of all the stress a relationship has already caused for the two of us. do you think being your best friend is that easy.. come on. do you know how hard it is knowing i can’t just kiss you when i come over to visit you? we are so compatible and we just fit like a puzzle.. you’re the missing piece to this master piece. to be honest, i really wish you were just a normal boy.. so that we can just be together in peace. no, you’re just some travelling superstar and i’m here, now as your bestfriend. lame.
so, i’ve been working a lot lately and i’ve been hanging out with a certain individual. i’m not going to get into details, and i’m not giving anyone names.. but it’s a guy. yeah, i’m kind of into someone right now, and we’re getting along just fine. he lives close to me, and we’re going to go out to the movies tomorrow night.. ehehe.
thursday was well spent with russ. i went over to his house, and somewhat took care of him because he sprained his ankle the day before. i ended up falling asleep on his bed, and woke up to breakfast, cooked by the cripple himself. we talked and talked about everything, it’s never a dull conversation with this one.. and yeah.. it’s weird knowing he’s into some other girl.. but that shouldn’t cross my mind. any who, the gang came over and we headed to toronto to watch russ perform at the annex wreckroom. it was the first time i watched him perform and i’m impressed. oh man, the starvation i was going through because i forgot my debit card at home again, and the fact that i couldn’t substitute the starvation with cigarettes because.. right.. i forgot my cigarettes at home too. speaking of cigarettes, russ got me a gift and it was an electronic cigarette. it tastes like shit and urg.. the thought of quitting is so blah to me. back to the main thing, yeah.. a bunch of people interviewed russ while i was on the side getting sexually harassed and attacked by drunkies on the street.. Lord. after all that, russ called that other girl to inform her with everything.. urg.. k. well.. i just wanted to be the one to find someone first so i wouldn’t be the one being so butthurt about this whole best friend-relationship that’s going on. hopefully things will simmer down and you know.. either russ and i continue this friendship or just break up.. in all categories.. bye.
