i think i am slightly going insane, and it is starting to take a toll on me. i have not been able to compile all my thoughts into words, and i just can not seem to express myself anymore. writing does not seem as important as it used to be, considering i have been writing blog posts since i was twelve… but i do not have the words to describe what i am going through, and insane is the only acceptable word that my mind is letting me process right now. i am now a closed door. i can not talk to anyone about the things i am going through, and i do not know why i even wrote this post. this is all really stupid.
it’s been an entire week since you got into your car and drove yourself back to the other side. there are many nights and many days where i wish i could just pop into your room to give you those good morning and good night kisses. psychical kisses, not just kisses through a screen on my phone. i need to make sense of all the feelings put together because having the emotional feelings there without the psychical feeling is just wrong.
i would consider myself as an alpha-female because i am an interesting person online and in person. i get along with everyone i meet, everyone wants to be my friend, and i will tell it as it is. my blog is just lacking some inspiration right now, but back to the point… i am looked up to, and it’s been that way since i stepped foot onto the school yard. people who don’t like me (anymore) are probably the people who lack common sense and have gotten told off by me. people just find stupid reasons to hate me because i’m apparently really fake and materialistic. if i can afford it, why can’t i have it? it’s jealousy, and others have been rejected by me in more ways than one. the people who apparently hate me still find time in their “so called busy lives” to message me to tell me that they are doing better than me… but who gives a fuck about you? i definitely never asked. i don’t have time to deal or fight over little things, and this is why all my guy friends consider me as a “bro”. the seek of constant approval is one of the reasons why i don’t like hanging around other females. everything they say right, down to their actions is clearly a fake portrayal of who they really are… it’s quite annoying. i find that when i meet a new female, right off the bat she is playing the roll of the “overly sweet” girl-friend, who is down to ride, and will do anything with and for you. cut the shit and stop being such a beg. if i am having a conversation with someone, do not drag me away or cut me off… just shut the fuck up and wait your turn… you’ll get my attention soon.
sometimes your mind playing tricks on you, and so does your heart. i once was in a relationship where i wasn’t in love with that person. i was in love of the idea of being in a relationship, and i didn’t care who that person was… therefore, it didn’t work out. there also came a time where i loved someone who wasn’t in a committed relationship with me. we were in two very different places in our lives, and we just couldn’t mend all of our differences… therefore, it didn’t work out. both are two wrongs, and for the past seven months… i finally got it right. i am in love and he is actually my boyfriend.
moving on from a relationship, or just anything in your past for that matter is really difficult. i think we all try to revert back to something we always found so normal and comfortable… that’s why we’d rather fix the issue than to move on and trying it all over again. that’s why break ups are tricky. when you’ve been in a relationship for so long, the sudden change of once having someone there must be really difficult. remember to always remind yourself: is it even worth fixing again, or should the piece of shit just be replaced already?
my parents thought me that you should always forgive everyone… no matter the differences you had in the past. why jump in mud and roll around on a brand new white carpet? believe me, it would be a huge load off your back, you are left at ease with no crowded thoughts, and you have peace of mind. no one says it would be easy, and no one said you should forgive everyone who did you wrong all at once… but the goal here is to be better than them and confuse the fuck out of them. that is the ultimate plan.