i have contemplated on selling my soul to the devil. i even thought about taking my own life multiple times because there has been just this something i’ve been missing for the past year of my life. i have struggled with trying to figure out what that something was, and i believe i have finally figured it all out… God. i have completely forgotten about faith and real love. i guess you can say that i am trying to get back onto path, and i know the struggle is only going to continue if i still stray away. yeah, i might seem a little crazy, but it really is something i believe in. i do not want to revolve my life around trying to find the perfect man anymore. i’m tired of that. i just want to be happy.

it has been a little more than three months, and all you have given me were headaches and you put me through that emotional pain called heartbreak. you know exactly what you are doing, and you are clearly having fun with what you are doing to me. i almost had complete faith in you last thursday, but you turned out to be what i did not want to expect… a completely ruthless asshole yet again. confirmation of this was what you said this thursday, and i am really done with the pathetic “trying” you said you did. you mean all those times that you did not call me back, or reply to my messages? you are selfish. you are alone, completely in your own world living your happy bachelor life. you are nothing but an actor. i really hope well for you, and i hope to never bump into you. i hope i will never see or hear from you ever again… that’s a promise danny smith.

how do i still end up being heartbroken and hurt, even when you really weren’t mine to begin with? i’ve showed you how much i cared about you, and the only time you reciprocated those feelings were when you were bored, when you saw that other guys gave me more attention, or when you were lonely. i was, and am still lonely. i have yet to hear back from you, and it’s not like you’re going to bother to check up on me. yes, i might have some people who want to be with me, but it’s you that i want to be with… unfortunately we both know the final outcome, and it was this. i’ll finally let you be, and i will just say adieu, and that i miss you.

it’s been a year, nine months, and three days since i have been in a relationship. i’m going to say that was my only real relationship considering it was a solid three and a half years of my life just dedicated to loving one person with all of my heart. i gave it my all, and i didn’t hold back on anything. that was the first, last and only time i’ve ever been in love. he was my everything…and now… i have nothing. i am filling the empty slots with useless conversations with people i really don’t care about. i need someone who enjoys intimate conversations about future plans and life goals. i don’t want to hear any more conversations about what club has the hottest people. i’m so sick and tired of all this small talk… i want to hang out with the big boys who know how to woo a girl of my calibre. if you’re ready to settle the fuck down, then tell me the fuck now.

there’s no reason to worry about me after you’ve left me. the whole point of you leaving me was because you didn’t want me, right? no relationship, no drama, and no stress… no heavy heart because you just wanted to be relationship-less. i don’t want no bullshit excuses, and i don’t want to hear that you still care about me and my own well being. this is what you’ve done, and so live with it. i’m sorry if i don’t call you or reply back to you like i use to, but that’s just how it works. i can do whatever the fuck i want, hang out with my boys, go on as many dates as i want too, and if you’re not comfortable with it, well damn that’s too bad because you’re not fucking me. you’re not feeding me, you’re not financing me, and so you’re not fucking telling me shit all.

i have been very distant with everything and everyone that i once held so close to heart because it all just seems like a waste of space, time, and effort. why should i keep onto to things and people who only bring on those emotions that cause so much pain? i know little aching heart, none of this was your fault and i’m glad i get to be alone with you to write about our toughest thoughts and battles. no more love, no more relationships. i am very content with the certain few people i still keep in contact with, but other than that… i will be happy spending my entire summer working, taking walks in the rain, running more bubble baths, and drinking more cold tea on those nights i feel so helpless… i need to keep focus with the things that actually do make me happy. 

it’s spring, summer is coming and i’m starting to break out of my shell. though i should be sad in my own misery, i am very content with my feelings and everything right now… i would like to claim that i am happy. yes he left me… again, and yes, my heart is broken but i’m currently doing many things to keep my mind and heart occupied. i’m healthy, i have a support system and that’s all i need to continue on with life… so why do i need to settle down right now? i’m only nineteen and i have many years ahead of me before i need to find someone to hold me down. all i have ever been in life was strong and independent, and that’s what i’m going to continue being. why try and give someone that benefit and title when they really don’t want anything to do with it… tis fine, tis fine. 

i wish you never came into my life. i wish you never said those things you said. i wish you didn’t end things off the way you did. it might be the best thing for us, but what are you going to do now? find a prettier girl, make her your girlfriend, wife her up in the next year and pop a baby in her? that’s not something i want to be around for… that’s not something i want to see, hear or know about. i hate that you came into my life as that saving grace, shining bright star, and knight in shining armour. it’s sad to say that you are now that light at the end of a tunnel, and i’m on a train going the opposite direction… leading to nowhere. i thought i inspired you, i thought i made you happy, but you don’t reply to my messages like you use to, you don’t pick up my calls, or return my missed calls. i thought we could remain just friends, but you bring, and you are havoc to my life. 

the sweetest guy to have ever entered my life has left me yesterday, willing, and he was so positive that this was what he wanted. he says that he still wants me to come around, but i know that if i stick around, it’s going to be this continuous vicious cycle, and i won’t make it out emotionally stable. now that he is gone, i am very confused and i am left heart broken. sadden… even lonelier actually. he said that i was beautiful, said that i am an amazing person, said he cared, said he loved me as a person, but i now question his intentions and motives. i believe that this was all just part of the act that he was playing, being an actor and all. i warned myself early on before this even happened, and it’s me that i have to be upset at. i blame myself. i hate myself for doing the total opposite of my gut feeling… again. i knew it was too good to be true. i know that my appearance was what caught his eye and attention, and that is probably the only reason why he still wants me around. how could you not want to be with me after all the good things i apparently am? but today i’ve realized that i need to re-invent myself, change my appearance to showcase what’s really underneath this sack of skin. therefore, i’m going to change completely… my hair, my makeup, how i dress and portray myself has all got to change. it just doesn’t make sense to be called perfect and not be in a relationship with another perfect human being. i am the monster. i am the cause. i am my own downfall. 

you can’t tell me that i am the most beautiful girl in the world, call me baby, tell me that you miss me, and tell me that you love me… you know that all of those things you said were just lies in disguise. if it really did mean something at one point, all of that doesn’t mean anything any longer, and it is your doing. after all, you were the one who broke my heart. you let me cry, didn’t even think twice about making me feel better, and you never wanted to work things out. how can you be the same person to say you that care about me and be the same person who says that they can’t be with me. it’s all fun and games for you isn’t it? well, it’s not a fun game to play. i waited for you to come back, and this is the way you treat me? fine. i just hope the next person doesn’t love or care about you the way that i did because that bitch is going to crumble inside and out.