after another month i’ve decided to blog, damn. to be honest, the only reason why i haven’t been blogging is because my life is never on pause. this has got to be the best summer of my life. within the past month, i’ve gotten to see my boyfriend every weekend, and i’ve gone to several events including digital dreams, electric island, a boat party, and electro wild festival. work has not gotten in the way of my personal life, and i’ve been stress free. it’s such a good feeling, it’s indescribable.
i haven’t touched my blog in a good month, and it’s actually made me realize that writing about everything is actually very therapeutic for me. i am either the happiest, maddest or saddest when i decide to write… then again, i think i’m pms-ing and my period is almost two weeks late… but getting to the point.
people just like to act like they care about you and your feelings… but in everyone’s mind it’s actually “fuck yo feelings” when you decide to express yourself and lets be honest, no one gives two fucks about your problems. half the reason why i’m such a cunt is because i have no real ride-or-die person to vent to. i’ve suppressed so much bullshit this month that it has piled over and now i’m drowning in it. strong metaphor. but seriously. i just think i’m over trying to let people into my life, and i think it’s now acceptable to approach every issue through some sort of social media platform that’s not twitter.
lately i’ve been finding that it’s been really hard to talk to my boyfriend… i just don’t have the energy to wait up for him all night anymore. all he does is go out with his friends, after i get home from working all day… but i’m just saying he could have went out earlier on in the day, so i don’t have to wait up for him to talk. i’m getting sick of his whiney-ass-attitude every time we FaceTime, and i’m so over his stupid little side comments that don’t ever make any sense. he is so incredibly awesome at getting my attention at the worst times, like when i’m doing important things, writing work emails, and he’s so needy, it’s unbelievable. the worst is when i stop doing my important things just for him to be quiet… like, it’s really getting on my nerves. i’m sorry if it’s not 100% percent boyfriend time every fucking second of the day… but it’s not like it’s 100% about me either. i’m not complaining, i’m just saying. i put up with a lot of the crap i have to deal with everyday, and it’s not like my boyfriend is helping me cope with any of it… instead he makes everything harder on me. it’s like he does not understand me anymore. i believe he is just ignorant, and he just doesn’t care about what i say. i tell him time after time that i have so many things to take care of… work, bills, family, and he manages to piss me the fuck off by telling me that he really wants to see me. i apparently am the only one that can travel, and so therefore i have to travel to him because he’s “sad”. why the fuck do i always have to bend over backwards to go see him when i have all this shit going on? i think that’s unfair. i know writing about this isn’t going to make anything better, but again… my boyfriend n e v e r listens to any of my concerns. it’s like he wants to purposely likes to piss me off so i can miss my independence, and break up with him. believe me when i say this, but i really am trying to find a balance between everything in my life, and i’ve always put my relationship first, but i don’t think that’s going to be the case anymore.
i read somewhere that there is a disorder that exists for people who can’t accept the changing seasons. i forgot what it was called, but i now believe that this weird ass disorder actually exists. at this point in my life, i’m coming out of hibernation, winter is over, and i really don’t know what to do with myself anymore. am i suppose to magically grow into a super adult right in time for spring, or do i have to drown in waters so deep before i begin to sprout? i’m not looking forward to any of this.
i think i am slightly going insane, and it is starting to take a toll on me. i have not been able to compile all my thoughts into words, and i just can not seem to express myself anymore. writing does not seem as important as it used to be, considering i have been writing blog posts since i was twelve… but i do not have the words to describe what i am going through, and insane is the only acceptable word that my mind is letting me process right now. i am now a closed door. i can not talk to anyone about the things i am going through, and i do not know why i even wrote this post. this is all really stupid.