well, today was more of a “i don’t know what i want to do with my life” kind of day.. considering my best friend carlos was heading to another party and my plans were to go to my cousins party, and that i did. my ex-boyfriend, who slammed the door on me two days ago, told me to come to his bbq.. which was a little odd because i don’t know how you go from slamming the door on someone to letting someone into your door.. but ok. any who, i didn’t end up going because my friends told me he invited some next girl who he was into.. so i might as well let him be happy with his life. i got back home not too long ago, and it’s currently 2:12am.. from my cousins bbq. i ended up taking like 11 shots and did a shotgun with total strangers who i believe are my friends now, lol. well.. it was fun i guess.. i mean, i did get home pretty late.. that’s about all. i don’t want to spoil any secrets or anything, but yeah.. had a blast at my cousins house. lets just say, i remember everything and the drinks were awesome. i fucking love love now!

i’m starting to get very worried.. my mother is very sick, and has been sick for a very long time now.. a little over three years to give you an estimate. my mom has diabetes, so she has trouble with most things she does, simple tasks she cannot do for very long, and most recently.. she’s been losing sight and she has huge migraines. i’ve held this in for a long time, but it’s starting to get to me.. seeing how thin my mother is now. it hit me four days into vietnam, seeing my mom pass out on my uncle’s bed.. i really didn’t know how to handle the situation. my vacation sucked to be honest, and it’s not even because of the whole break up situation.. it’s because of my mom. everywhere we went, she couldn’t go because she was bound to get sick and puke all over. my mom couldn’t eat anything because it would effect her blood sugar levels which means she could get sick.. again. while i was enjoying fine dining, my mom didn’t drink the water. when i was running around the great wall of china, my mom sat in the corner for two hours to wait for me with her bag full of medication and water. my mom hasn’t been to work in weeks, and i’m just being hard on myself because she’s already doing so much to keep me healthy.. urg.. i’m going to bed now, i’m upset. 

after the whole ordeal, carlos and i headed to destiny’s to get my head out of the gutter. ordered the most chocolate-filled item, which was a cookies-n-cream cake, with a peach soda with tapioca on the side, can someone say.. delicious?! any who, carlos knows how to make me feel better, and if you think about it, he’s been around since i met my ex-boyfriend. relationships never last and friends are here to stay forever. halfway into my cake, i get a call from my ex-boyfriend’s brother’s ex-girlfriend liliana, and she calls to tell me something blah blah about my ex-boyfriend and how he wanted to call me and talk to me.. and all of a sudden i get a call and it’s my ex-boyfriend. why he called, i could have cared less because he said what he had to say, and everything i had to say i couldn’t and so.. i was not willing to give him the time and day. i mean, why should i give him the chance to apologize for all the shit he said to me forty-ish minutes ago? being the nice girl i am, i told him that i didn’t want to hear him talk because he did too much of that already, and it was time for me to talk. i told him i didn’t want to talk to him because of what he did to me and because i was still way too upset to even have a conversation with him.. he could call me back in two/three days when i feel better. of course, he ends the conversation with “i love you”.. ahaha. i don’t know dudes and dudettes.. i’m not down to deal with his kind and that type of drama. i never wanted to fight in the first place, and only wanted to apologize. i end the conversation and go back to talking to liliana. she told me it’s not a good idea to get back with him and it would be good if we don’t even associate. i think that would be a great idea considering his family hates me, and i don’t want to waste a single breath, let alone spare a second on people who don’t even have the heart to tell me things to my face. again, i let my pride down and actually wanted to apologize.. but you know what.. i tried and made the effort, i did what i could do and if that doesn’t please anyone, too bad. if people throw rocks at me, i’m going to catch them all and build a house with it. at the end of the day, i’m not crying.. i’m actually smiling because i know now that i can move on with my life, knowing i did everything i could do. i didn’t end up finishing my cake though.

today i pulled some strings.. i asked carlos to drive me to my ex-boyfriend’s house. i haven’t seen him since early april. to be honest, i never wanted to go there just be because it is war zone territory, and because i felt that i would be unwelcomed. unwelcomed i was.. considering i was standing outside his door for ten minutes, ringing the door bell to get nothing. i was a little irritated. i see lights on and both cars were home, meaning everyone was home. as i walked back into carlos’ car, my ex-boyfriend then decides to take a peak at the door, and that when i went back with all his belongings, and again i was standing there for another five minutes as i watched shadows go back and forth. he opened the door and just stood there, shaking his head, and i did the same. he didn’t step out, and put the glass door in front of me, as if i was going to attack him.. oh, but assumed i was setting him up. all i wanted to do was talk to his mother and apologize, but that couldn’t happen because i was standing outside, fighting with my ex-boyfriend about a relationship.. maybe. maybe i was fighting for the relationship, but he seemed pretty confident when he said he was happy with his life and everything that has been happening to him. i mean, what guy wouldn’t be happy to have girls around him all the time, and who would be happy to see their ex-girlfriend at their door? bitching and fighting, and very embarrassing. to have someone bitch at you while their entire family is home. my heart broke when i saw his sister come down the stairs.. she looked and me and went off. i asked if i could talk to her, but he said no.. and so i cried. at that point, there wasn’t really a point of me standing there anymore.. time flew by and i realized i’ve been standing there for over thirty minutes. i put in so much effort to do all of this, but at the end.. his belongings went on the floor and i left abruptly. why? because he said he loved me. bullshit. when you love someone, you would step outside and hear them out, but you know what sucked the most.. after he said he loved me, he slammed the door. classy. wiped the tears off my face and headed back to the car, and regretted even trying so hard and wasting my time.. yet again. that’s an hour of my life that i will never get back, and i could have used that time to save myself from the embarrassment, fighting and crying. i have nothing to look back at now because if i looked back, it would have seen a closed door, and useless items that were on the floor.. i’m happy i didn’t look back.

pleiku, vietnam.. what an eye opening experience, the four days i’ve been there.. wow.. just wow. i stayed at a convent which was also an orphanage for abandoned children and children that were saved from tribal traditions. one tradition is that if a mother passes away and leaves behind children, her children with be buried alive with her at her funeral. i’ve seen these children, and my heart cried for them. i also met children of prostitutes and drunkards.. these children were born with many birth defects. at first, i’m scared, then disgusted and then happy.. scared because these children all want me, disgusted because i can’t believe people would do this type of shit to their own flesh and blood, but happy because these children are survivors. that’s only at the place i stayed at. i went out to the tribal areas.. like.. real world - world vision type of shit happening. i seen people with   leprosy, people who don’t even have drinking water.. fuck. all this shit i can keep writing about, but seeing it is totally different.. that’s about all for now.. until then.

if you think telling me how much you love me is going to bring me back, start sucking it. if you start thinking i’m scared and that i need you for a second, your life must be a serious joke.. you must be on a fucking flying giant unicorn if you honestly think i’ll ever get back with you. your cockiness level outweighs any good in you, and that’s the sad part. the funny thing is that you probably think you still have a chance with me.. think twice though. what you’re doing is kinda getting lame.. you know, the part where you ask other girls for advice, including my friends, and you also tell your story before you perform that song you wrote for me.. *yawn* lame act though. since you put our business out there, i guess i’ll tell my side of the story too. i didn’t break up with you because i’m trying to get back with an ex. i didn’t break up with you because i’m not into you. i broke up with you because you’re too much, and you put everything and everyone else before me. you don’t respect me whatsoever and every song you wrote about me is utterly made out of bullshit. 

another relationship ends in yet another case of serious emotional abuse, this one was almost life threatening. i was a slave in that relationship, abused for nearly four months. i held back all feelings because i wasn’t even allowed to show them or share them with anyone, i couldn’t even blog.. sad to say. it seemed like my boyfriend at the time didn’t want to hear me, though he always argues that he’s “always down to listen to me and my problems”. i nearly got sucked into all that bullshit, but thank God i was born with a hard head and thick skin. i knew it wasn’t going to end well, considering i was called a “mother fucking bitch”, “fucking cunt” and was told to “fuck off” the second week into the relationship.. my instincts are always right. my abuser was and still is full of himself, and only thinks about himself. he didn’t think of me and what i wanted, ever. he would force “his affection” onto me, and my family to the point that my brother and parents were forced to meet him unexpectedly. the scariest moments were when i asked for a break, now that was some bizarre and weird shit. he would constantly blow up my phone, throw bitch fits and just find ways to contact me. he always got his way, and you know why? he pulled out the guilt trip cards. he would use his best one every time because he knew how much it hurt me to hurt someone i cared for.. this card was called “his mom”. he would use his mom’s sickness as an excuse to talk to me and would often say it’s hurting his family.. so i’d suck it up and apologize, every single time, though i’ve never did anything to hurt anyone intentionally. the sad part about this entire abuse process what that he made me feel guilty. i looked like the bad person, every single time. apparently everything i did affected his life and career.. but when you think about it, i changed the most, just to get praise and approval. it hurts to know that everything i am and everything i was doing wasn’t good enough, and i had to change my ways to fit the needs of others, him. oh.. the worst part is when he gets attention from this all. he uses my friends to talk to me, he uses this situation as a way to get sympathy and pity from others.. especially fans. i look like the bitch because i don’t want to be with him, but he knows the real deal. so i come spilling out all because i’m tired of hiding behind this brick wall, and i want to go back to my castle, where my walls are made out of glass. i’m tired of sugar coating every fucking thing, because really.. i haven’t been this happy in a very long time. i’m not troubled or insecure, i’m tired of the bullshit i have to deal with on the daily basis. i’m sick of hearing that “jenny is going down a dark path due to drugs and shit”. ahaha, before anyone comes to try to help me and save me from me, look at the glass castle, then look into a mirror because YOU are fucking pathetic. go fix yourself, your life and your values before you say anything else about me.. tell your fucking fans to fuck off, and leave me the fuck alone. 

i never say or do things just to get people to have sympathy for me.. especially after a break up. people always ask “omg, are you okay?” and i smile and say “yeah, finally!”. most people think i’m hiding away in pain, but no.. I’m actually really happy because i can finally go back to my normal life and revamp my image again. i don’t need anyone’s pity after a break up. i don’t go around telling people how hurt i am, and what i’ve done for my ex because that’s not going to solve anything, and that’s some mad attention whoring. i don’t cry all day because i have things to do with my life and i move the fuck on. 

mutual friends are mutual friends.. i don’t see why they have to get pulled in to relationship fights. the last thing they should do is pick sides and start stating their own opinions because it gets no where. to be honest, every time a mutual friend of mine tries to give me advice about my relationship, i simply just laugh it off and tell them to shut the fuck up. they’re suppose to be mutual, not some back stabbing idiots in the end. what’s sad is when your relationship actually fails, and that mutual friend is already trying to find new people for your ex. ain’t that a burner? but what sucks the most is when they start shit talking you, and act like you meant nothing to them as a friend. this also relates to my previous post, which i spoke about fake and too faced people.. but you know, people getting mad at my posts are actually feeling really really guilty. me? i’m still nice and genuine as fuck and i forgive.

i’m currently laying down, scratching my head as i wonder why people can quickly turn their backs on people and be so two faced.. if so, i’d call them fake. i am a genuine person with a strong personality. it can be said that i am easy to get along with, and everyone changes their first impression of me. i speak my truth every time, and i do no refrain, hence why it’s so hard for me to maintain friendships and relationships, but that’s the world that i’m currently living in. a world full of people who put on masks and parade like they’re always happy, sugar coating every fucking thing in their lives.. guess what? your life actually sucks, and me? well, i’m always content. i have a small selection of friends that i would live on an island with, and you people.. well, you can all go down into the ground ten feet deep for all i care at this point. i don’t like people who give me hugs and kisses, then say all this shit behind my back as if i don’t know. who are you again? a biased idiot who stand by the blood line? well, now this is between you and i and i believe you’re just something else. one day you like me, the next i’m looked upon like a piece of shit collected in the sewers.. yeadeefuckingdah. i’ve always been nice to you, that’s because i thought people like you can see things through one day, guess not. no lukewarm here, it’s either you fucking hate me or you don’t.. don’t give me that sappy bullshit anymore. i’m tired of it.

hello again, it’s me and only me. it’s currently 10:37pm as i am writing this post, and the city of saigon doesn’t seem to excite me anymore, to be honest.. i just want to go home. it’s been eleven days into my vacation and i think i’m about done here, though i have another twenty days. so far, i’ve seen so many people and so many things.. experienced the worst physical pains, heart breaks, and suffered a heat stroke, i was reunited with family, and i had to say my farewells to my paternal grandparents, for it’s probably the last time i’m ever going to see them again. i got a lot of stares due to my blonde hair, and one night, a man came up to my aunt and i and asked if i was a prostitute and if i wanted to have a little fun, just for a bit. tonight, i went to the supermarket with my aunt, cousins and brother. we rode in a taxi because it was super rainy out.. and then bam, a motorcycle hit our taxi and it was a lady and her kid.. sigh. it’s too depressing over here, and i didn’t buy a single thing. i got my nails and toes did and done, and i also got my eyelash extensions.. all which were free. give up man. i just want to go back home and take a shit in my own toilet.. to be honest.

I’LL BE BACK IN 30 DAYS, LOVE YOU ALL.. LEAVE MESSAGES IN MY ASK BOX OR TWEET ME @QUEEENNA! XOXO.

*click pictures to fully see details*

i always print screen every single thing i see that is unusual.. i think it’s a habit of mine. i just like to keep it in my folders just incase i have to prove something and go sherlock homes. well.. this girl stole my pictures and put them on her tumblr page. her url was “asiameetscompton” and she decided to tagged my pictures under “kodakmoments”. i messaged her to tell her to remove my pictures, and she claims she doesn’t have my pictures.. so she goes and changes her url to “shebleedsfashion”. the fact that she messaged me back gave me her new url. so.. i check out her new page and it’s totally different.. but she still has that “kodakmoments” tag. i found her on twitter, and she still claims that she didn’t steal shit, and her excuse is “she’s black”.. it’s funny how she states on her twitter profile that her tumblr is “shebleedsfashion”. this girl is already notorious or stealing pictures, she probably stole those pictures to.. but i rest my case. this bitch stole my pictures, the end. don’t fuck with me.. #THEREALQUEEENNA.

(Source: queeenna)